Why Parents of Estranged Adult Children Need Therapy
Estrangement, also popularly known as going “no-contact” with one’s parents is an increasing occurrence in America.
In one recent study that took place between 2023 and 2024, it found that 26 percent of young adults are estranged from their fathers, and six percent are estranged from their mothers. While this can be a devastating experience and reality for many parents, I have found that attachment-focused therapeutic interventions can help parents who are estranged find acceptance of their situations, and in some cases, repair their actual relationships; even if it is just the parent who attends therapy.In this blog I will explain why parents whose adult children do not speak with them will benefit from therapy, as well as possible outcomes of participating in treatment.
How can Therapy Help My Relationship?
Findings from my work with these parents suggest that many causes of estrangement stem from differences in generational values, views on mental or emotional health, conflict resolution, and beliefs about accountability for past behaviors (on both party’s accounts). So, the first steps are identifying those conflicting perspectives, addressing the feelings, and deciding how to move from there.
I find this step to be one of the most challenging for parents to engage in. Not only will this task require you to shift your thoughts about parenting and possibly go against the concept of respecting those who have come before you, but you must also deal with the painful and unresolved feelings towards your child’s choices.
One of my strengths as a therapist is to validate and gently challenge schemas (or thought patterns) that keep you stuck, which comes into play at many points of this treatment.
What does Healing Look Like?
Healing from an attachment trauma such as estrangement will look different depending on your circumstances:
For some, healing will be finding acceptance towards the situation and leaving an open invitation for your adult child to re-engage when they are in the place to do so.
Others may achieve healing from practicing continuous acceptance of the current situation, acknowledging their loss, and celebrating the memories they had.
While others may rebuild their relationship with their estranged child, requiring them to continue work in individual or family therapy, staying mindful and aware of past behaviors that caused estrangement.
How Would Therapy Look?
Therapy for estrangement and attachment trauma all depends on where you are at in your journey. Many parents will have to start from the beginning, doing most of the therapeutic work in an individual or couple’s setting. It is here where you will process your feelings in a secure space and gain insight into your child’s experience in a way that you can acknowledge their lived experiences.
In some cases, usually after the individual/couple’s treatment has occurred, family therapy can be performed to directly address the conflicts causing the rifts between parents and adult children. While many clients find this to be the ideal form of therapy to work on their disconnect, it is important to know that re-establishing a relationship with your adult child is not dependent on them participating in family therapy with you!
Take Aways:
It’s worth it to attend therapy to deal with this estrangement even if you are unsure if your child will re-engage.
Therapy will help you understand why this is likely happening.
I will support you in your feelings of loss and guide you in finding ways to cope or re-engage with your adult child if possible.
Adult children are more likely to re-engage with parents when they know they are in therapy, see that you are practicing new behaviors, and remind them that you care.
